Me, Myself and I don't know why I bother

 

I'm not going to lie, I'm running out of ideas for stuff to say. In that case I'm going to moan about myself now. I'm not going to attempt to ever claim that I the peak of human appearance, physique or fitness. My greatest claim is that I'm reasonably tall (6ft ish) and that I have an ideal bmi... not the best claim. I can't say either that I am academically gifted, well kind of, I got into sixth form and I was once in 'gifted and talented'. Yeah, I know, ooh, well it isn’t ooh. Technically I was in it but I only ever knew about it until late in year 11. As far as I'm aware we only ever did one thing and that was a waste of time.

I have a knack for procrastination, I even manage to put this off. I'm very good at this at school, not listening much to teachers (only sometimes, don't think I'm completely stupid, I'm a goody two-shoes at heart). When I don't have a lesson I do my utmost to keep myself entertained without having to resort to working, or I find food to eat (although what else would I do food rather than eat it? Sit and watch it slowly decay as though I was dog watching a cat through a window). My excuse for this could be that I'm preparing for university life where being lazy or a drunken adolescent is essential. The only problem with that is that there is a certain level of effort needs to be put in to achieve this beginning year of laziness.

As I write this I'm suffering from the debilitating illness of man flu, or the beginnings of it. Now I know that roughly half the population know of the feeling of this disease. I also know that the other half constantly moan about us moaning about it. I'm not going to say too much about it but this is a problem that will continue to damage the economy as companies are destroyed as workers can't make their way into work as as they have been savagely struck down by the hand of fate by the cruel illness of man flu.

I'm not in perfect knick anyway, my knees are a bit dodgy, I'm ill (as you know by now), I get tired early my thumbs and little fingers get a bit stiff when its a little cold. I'm 17, all this would barely be acceptable for 43 year old stone mason (I don't know why my example needs a profession but it has one, so deal with it) . Now I've only just realised that that my fingers are becoming a bit fragile, I was doing up my shoe laces and my little finger felt as though it locked up like a wrongly accused criminal being locked up in Alcatraz. I thought that my finger would snap like a thin twig in a strong breeze. But it didn’t, and I feel like a wimp, and now I sound like a wimp. Oh well, its not like I care really.

Back to life, back to reality TV

There is no time for pleasantries, the subject in which I am going to talk is one of immense annoyance to many people. It is simply this, reality TV “stars”. There are no “stars” in reality TV, only people who are idiots and are so idiotic that being on TV (or magic colour boxes, as these imbeciles call it) has gone to their head in this misconstrued image fame. Everyone knows that people only like reality TV because the people are idiots, whereas the idiots think it's their personality that make them popular on the box. Now I think there's two types of reality TV, there's documentary style, where, for example, a family is followed over a period of time. That's fine, boring usually yes, but fine. But then there's exhibit B, house style. When I say house I mean fame wannabes that are all shoved into a oddly furnished building where every single movement they make is monitored and then broadcast. Surprisingly I'm angrier at the people who watch the house muck. Shows like 'Big Brother, 'Geordie Shore' and 'The Only Way is Essex'. I have different versions of the names of these shows, firstly 'Big Brother' to 'Why Bother?', 'Geordie Shore' to 'Geordie Whores' and 'The Only Way is Essex' to 'I'd Rather Be in Yorkshire'.

I can sometimes see the attraction of these shows, to me it's like looking down on the lower classes and laughing myself to death, which would be convenient because occasionally death is the better option when faced the choice between death and Geordie Shore. I'm hoping that so far you're agreeing with me. What do I mean hope? I'm right. You have to agree. Right?

I can understand why my point is as valid as an obese child moaning about his weight whilst digging into a Big Mac. I don't even watch these shows, I don't want to watch these shows. I only ever see the ads for them, which only boosts my levels of anger towards these shows. The people on the shows anger me the most though, this needs reiterating. These people will do these shows and be mocked nationally, as a career. This 'career' will get them through a surprising number of years, appearing on other muck such as 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here'. If they were a proper celebrity then they wouldn’t need to boost their 'career' on this pointless show. They should start the show, give up after three nights then leave Australia and the 'celebrities' behind them. And when you think about it, if they were a proper celebrity them they would be hosting the show, not appearing on it.

Rant over. I started with no greeting, but I shall leave you with this quote from a man called Morley Safer, “Reality TV is sleazy, it is manipulative. It is as momentary as anything in popular culture.”

Goodbye.

Adrian Chiles!!!

Hello, hey, sup', bonjour, hola, and hello again. Can I say that is probably the best of my language skills. Back to what I've been talking about. I started the theme of TV and I can think of another thing on TV that annoys me. That comes in handy when I need to write something. There's no easy way to break this, its the football on TV these days. When I say break it, I mean to myself. It's more of a realisation than breaking it. I say this as I love football. I love it as much as some people love Harry Potter and as much as some people love The Doctor. Now I'm here to have a go at football on TV and not Doctor Who or Harry Potter, which I also love, well loves strong so it's more like a gentle affection.

OK, back to the matter in hand, oh yes the football. And again I must reiterate that I'm not having a go at this noble and grand sport, it's the way in which it's presented. My biggest disapproval of it is mostly just Adrian Chiles. This fat, West Brom supporting, midlander has now ruined ITV's coverage of any football game they broadcast. ITV wasn't very good in the first place so kudos to them on their triumphant broadcasting of this rotund man. They get some of the good competitions as well, they get England international games, champions league, FA cup and then some of the World cup when it comes around. Even with these fantastic games they still muck it all up with Adrian Chiles' squidgy round face, making jokes that aren't funny. He's not even on the screen very long but he still angers me. Actually he doesn't need to be on the screen, just the thought of him makes me want to throw the remote at the TV, leave the room in a huff, stroll around the rest of the house in an untamed urge to be manly and hit something again, get some food because I will undoubtedly be hungry, be sick whilst eating as the nauseous image of Adrian Chiles has come back into my mind like a love sick dog who wont stop humping your leg, then sit down again and forget why I was angry in the first place. The cycle could easily happen again as I would turn the TV back on, that is if the remote didn't break the screen when I first through it.

I’ll admit that reaction is very much over the top, but it roughly conveys my thoughts, I think, I'm sure any more. My mind did wander a bit. This wasn't an attack on this grand game of all games. It wasn't even really an attack on broadcasters, it was just a mindless assault on Adrian Chiles. I'm not going to deny it, so I wont.

Goodbye, bye, see ya, now buggar off.

BBC's dignity.

Now what is there about television that I can moan about. The first thing I think of is shows that bore me. The show might not be necessarily be boring but that bores me, and when I think of boring TV shows I automatically think of BBC four. Even writing that is boring. I can't help it, I'm sure there must be some good that comes out of that channel. I mean, I saw an advert for a programme that Stephen Mangan was in, and I like Stephen Mangan. I liked that show called 'Episodes' that he was in. The show that that was on the advert though looked quite good but because I saw the BBC four logo at the start the whole advert had a whiff of intellect that would intimidate a simpleton like me.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the BBC. To me it's the only channel that still has any dignity. I have a couple of reasons for this. Number one, there’s no stupid adverts for products I don't even care about and wouldn’t even buy if my head was sandwiched between a rock and a hard place. And yes I changed the concept of that metaphor, if it's a metaphor, but I don't know I haven’t done any proper English at school for nearly two years, which probably shows. The second thing is that with the four channels that the BBC have they’ve actually properly distributed their shows. The boring (or educated as some people call it) shows are shrugged away onto BBC four, the comedy shows are occasionally released out like mentally frail person onto BBC three, the 'almost interesting enough to get on BBC one' shows are gracefully shoved onto BBC two and BBC one claims all the sane, interesting, successful shows and usually has a show about sheep and stuff.

The way I started this was with boring shows that, well, bored me. I find some shows that are supposed to be good, boring. I think the best of these is 'Two and a half men' which is now more 'Two men and a obese adolescent', which makes the show so authentically American. All it is is 'misunderstood' father and his fat kid initially sponging of his brother who was played by Charlie Sheen and we all knew what happened to him, he had tiger blood. But we have to remember that somewhere a poor tiger might have drug filled, Adonis flaked Sheen blood, unlucky. Anyway, it's a stupid show and I can't be bothered to moan any more.

Until next time.  

I didn't forget about you...

Hello and welcome to the upper limits of my mountainous imagination. Nice to see you again. I want to have something at the start of my blog that's regular, like Tobuscus' vlog with “hello audience” and stuff. I'll work on that. I might even think of something better, I doubt it but I might happen at some point, maybe.

And before you say, yeah yeah yeah, I know I didn't do a blog last week. I couldn’t be bothered, I procrastinated. The problem with doing this blog is that I feel like I should do it every week. I said I would but it's not like I have a large audience to disappoint. I even thought about doing them more often, like doing three a week but shorter because I am a lazy bugger. But now I think that because I'm a lazy bugger I feel like not doing many at all anyway. Ah well, ignore that little self rant. Before when I said the upper limits of my mountainous imagination, yeah well I'm lazy aren’t I.

I'm only going to do a short one this week just to let you know of my different hope for my ideas. I like to rant about lots of different things, and oddly enough I enjoy that. I might just get one subject and rant around many different areas related. To get me started I think I’ll use television as my muse. My moaning, ranting and general babbling will begin. Until then my friends (or random people).   

Hard at work, or hardly working. Definitely the latter.

Hello once again, or hello for the first time if you haven't read my first blog, and if you haven't read my first one read it now... I mean now, go, read. I'll even put this line here so you don't forget where you were (even though you haven't read very far, if you lost your point here you're an idiot) -------------- Did you read it? Good, now we can continue... (I've got a feeling that that wont apply to many people as I know everyone who read my first blog, apart from a random German) What's that you say? You didn't like my first one? Don't worry, neither did I.

For this I thought that I might attempt to have an overall point to my randomness. If you're still the same idiot who lost their place earlier, I’m guessing you didn't read the title. It's about work, now I don't mean working 9 till 5 (what a way to make a living), I mean my type of work. I'm in sixth form so work to me is just school work. It's not exciting but I’m not saying that normal work is either. Both of these types of work have different perks and flaws (mostly flaws on both sides though).

Lets explore the perks. I'm probably going to end up looking more at school work as I have little experience of 'real work'. Well, these perks can sometimes be hard to come by. The usual perk is finding out something that is actual useful in real life. This is one that usually occurs with school work. As far I know this happens far less in proper work. This rarely ever happens, at sixth form I study Maths, Biology and Art. There absolutely useless for finding out real life useful information. Most of biology is about chemistry, I hate chemistry (sorry to those who like it, and if you like chemistry you love it. Chemistry is like Marmite, you love it or hate it. Even people who dislike chemistry still study it because they can do it). People who aren’t in education will say “oh, but you do biology. What are you going to do later in life? Be a doctor?”. You'd think that biology would help in medicine but the Marmite subject is more important. It's sometimes a little depressing when your studying biology and everything is chemistry. I feel like life is trying to say “Here, you can know what happens but now, let the big boys and there Bunsen burners through so they can save the world from disease and plight.” It's odd though, it sounds like I’m resentful, I’m not, I’m happy for the Marmiters. I couldn't be a doctor, the lack of compassion linked alongside the lack of intelligence and knowledge would hinder me somewhat. Now back to the perks, um, I can't actually think of many more right now, I might look for more inspiration later on.

Now for the flaws, although a few of them are debatable between different people. The main one in my head is how easy it is to procrastinate which certain tasks. With a bit of education now, the definition of procrastination “ Noun: The act or habit of procrastinating, or putting off or delaying, especially something requiring immediate attention: She was smart, but her constant procrastination led to her to be late with almost every assignment.” When I read this for the first time I thought that it will probably be the kind of description on my gravestone. As for the description I first thought “well that's sexist” but then I thought if I was a he it would just say “He was smart, but he was just lazy.” I have many different ways of procrastinating, I know some card tricks so I could practise them, I know how to juggle (kind of) I could practise that, I have an Xbox 360 which explains itself. Along with these I have developed the ability to sit and do absolutely nothing (apart from breathing and living generally). Now for teachers and bosses and other people that have applied the task to you find this to be a rather large flaw. On the other hand it's fun, maybe in itself a game to try and procrastinate (which again in itself is procrastinating). Also the useful thing about having a laptop is that I can roam and type, (by roam I mean I’m either at home or at sixth form) I can people watch. It's amusing, but its not like I’m watching in a dirty way. Although that's amusing to a different type of person and for the record I’m not that type of person. Its another great way to just generally waste time even if you don't have to be working. Just looking at people and saying that everyone you watch is an idiot helps to raise your self esteem as well. Try it at some point, its fun.

Well that’s it for now, I think I've talked enough for now. Its actually began to hurt my head. Until next time. (And like last time, don't take anything I say seriously.) 

Hello (please don't hate me)

Right, here we go then. Hello. Very nice to meet you. My name's Ashley and this whole expedition into this wonderful world of blogs is, to me at least, very foreign. I'm at sixth form and very rarely in any of my subjects do I do actual writing (I class this as more than mindlessly scribbling down notes with handwriting similar to that of a arthritic monkey). I mean paragraphs, comas, spelling... and stuff. I’m no good at any of that, I’m not here claiming I’m going to be any good at this either; hopefully I can just write down the many, many, many.... many ideas (well less ideas, more thoughts that I can't really understand myself as to where anything has linked from inside my mind)(by the way, that “inside my mind” reminded me of the Phantom of the opera). Now, where was I (don’t event like operas).

This is now the kind of time where the primitive part of my brain starts to kick into gear and decides that the best thing to do now is to basically shout obscene words and phrases to the (relatively more) intellectual regions of my brain. Now I imagine to see this as a slightly Victorian image where the primitive part of my brain is being played by a diseased lower class man and the intellectual part is being played by a wealthy man sitting comfortably in his large home. The scenario is that the poor man is throwing his own faeces at the wealthy man ion order to get attention or food.

Talking of food I’m getting quite hungry. As teenage male this is a common occurrence, more so than in most other age groups. Although there is some debate (between myself) as to the validity of this statement. Again, as I’m a lazy teenage male, I can make things easier. For some reason I’m now interested in the volume of food people consume (don’t ask why, I’m not actually sure myself). For example, if you take this comment and change the groupings from age to, I don’t know, say, BMI. The whole statement becomes easier, it explains itself. The bounds of the group are something like, from 'Oh my god, where did you go. Oh you’re hiding behind that twig' (A.K.A half of the USA) to 'all you can eat buffet sounds like a challenge, now get the winch so I can get out of bed' (A.K.A the other half of the USA). As I said, it seems very linear. (I don’t know where I’m going with this).

That whole bit above was a bit of a waffle but I hope you get the point, even though there isn’t one, make your own up, have your own moral, maybe you can strive to go to the USA and show them to be healthy, normal healthy, not 'the biggest loser' healthy where people exercise, that just foolish, most exercise is. You don’t need to be fit to be healthy, it can help but its not essential, that’s how my life goes. Now if your reading this, don’t judge me, I’m normal... ish...kind of, I've got nothing against Americans, maybe the healthy ones are out there, they’re just secluded from the rest of the world as outcasts, trying to avoid all the temping food offers, buffets and fast food, damn, I want to go to the USA now, accept me as your own America, I may be a healthy weight but you'll love me, I’m English, you love the accent, we're better than the French, anyway, you’ve got plenty of room spare, please? OK, if you wont have me I'll stop asking.

As I said at the beginning, very nice to meet you. I'll see you again sometime hopefully. Goodbye for now.

(PS, I’ve thought of a moral, kind of. Don’t take anything I write seriously)